I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize