I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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