i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
