mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
