There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize