plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
