I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
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