My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
