I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
