I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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