Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize