He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
