Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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