first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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