the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize