im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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