I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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