im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
hell yes lets make some ravioli
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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