If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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