You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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