i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
