I think I am morally bankrupt
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
