I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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