i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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