My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
