i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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