My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
youre lurking in front of me
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize