Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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