You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
