I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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