if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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