it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
