Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
