that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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