Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
