I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
