How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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