Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize