So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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