Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
should my penis look like a turkey
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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