Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize