you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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