I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize