whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
