I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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