dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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