I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
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