Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
