I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
we made out on top of his cat.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize