im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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