Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i black out too much to be "responsible"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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