you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
This is the high leading the old right now
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
