John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
