I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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