By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize