I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
