Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
