Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize
