mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
