apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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