I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize