grandma shit on top of the toilet
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
