She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
