I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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