Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
