My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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