we made out on top of his cat.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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