Do vagina's smell?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Randomize
