The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
