I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
